The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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