Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
