I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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