College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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