Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
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you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
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As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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