I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
