____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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