I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
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You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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