Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
