she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
