Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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