i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
