My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
