now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
