"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
