So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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