i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
