it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
