i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
