just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
