I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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