How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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