4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
