I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.