$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.