dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
