onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's rum buckets o'clock
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
