I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
