I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
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Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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