How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
