she woke up with a sticky ear
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
