I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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