I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
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My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.