i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.