I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.