I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
