i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
