Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
