I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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