i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
