so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.