So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.