So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep