I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
