...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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