Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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