My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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