Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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