my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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