Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
