he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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