I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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