I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
