my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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