Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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