I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.