He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME